BE SOMEBODY YOU LOVE.

♥

Hey Zengarmy,

" Be ~~with~~ somebody you love."

Exactly two weeks ago, I was scrolling through my Tumblr at an ungodly hour
(5 a.m., don't even ask why or how), drowning in self-pity, and maybe thinking
too much about my ex and my unfinished thesis, and how I am still single at the
age of 22 & have only been fucked once by a guy with a small dick (pfffft) whom
I thought was my one true love, but quickly realized he was just another hit and
run — that, ladies & gentlemen, was when this quote popped up on the screen
of my phone at 5 a.m.. At first I took a quick glance at it indifferently, & then it
suddenly occurs to me that: this exact quote is exactly the story of my life so far.

So, what happened in your April and May, Zeng?

I want to be someone that I love.
Somebody that I am happy with.
I want to be happy with myself.
I want to love myself. I want to.

At late April, my life came to a point where everything I'm doing feels like a meaningless
routine that leads to absolutely nowhere. Creatively, I wasn't inspired at all to keep on
reinventing myself. Mentally, I was at a bad place with a lot of self-doubt and self-hate,
& the amount of stress coming from my thesis deadline did not help at all. I desperately
needed a restart. I hated who I was — the 15-year-old boy who was too afraid to speak
up for himself, the 16-year-old boy who was so certain that only a plastic surgery could
get him noticed & loved by others, the 17-year-old boy who was so, deeply depressed he
lost all of his motivation to move on, the 18-year-old boy who went to college and was so
naively sure that his depression would be cured by the new changes, but was soon hit by
the reality that it takes a crazy amount of time and effort to unwind a depressed mind,
the 19-year-old man who was completely crippled by his depression and received an
embarrassingly mediocre A-level results in return, the 20-year-old man who went to
university just because he's been brought up by a failed education system that has
taught him nothing but studying for endless exams, the 21-year-old man who finally
felt comfortable in his own skin but realized relationship is much uglier when it is being
looked at up close and personal... and, at the age of 22 now, I hate how much power
I had unknowingly given to my depression to control, trample, & take its toll on my life.

Why, did I hurt myself to please other people's perception of myself?

* the following conversation is "PG-rated", or whatever *

I am not happy with most contents that I've put out in the past, like, not. happy. at. all.
I feel like a lot of my past contents do not represent me at the slightest, and I hated it.
Being the people-pleaser that I was, I was constantly worried that people would unfollow
me if I said something wrong or post something that triggers them, something that is not
considered as "positive" in the public eye, something that is not high-quality enough (like
what 14759602 other content creators had been putting out there on the daily basis lol),
something that they don't like. I was too worried that they don't like me. I equated my
social following with my likeability. What a fucking idiot I was. I remembered posting
something on my Instagram a while ago about how I was assaulted by an Indian guy who
appeared to be mentally unsound — and an Indian girl literally commented "how do you
know he's an Indian?", in a very angry, disparaging tone. I was completely taken aback.
I went back and forth with her in the comment section, reassuring her that my caption
meant nothing racist but trying to describe the guy who tried to follow me and my friend
for almost 20 minutes & pushed my friend from her back while simultaneously pretending
he wasn't the culprit (I know, it's a lot to take in, long story short, he might have some
mental disorders), only to find out that she was really offended by what I've written.

UMM... WHAT THE FUCK YOU DUMB BITCH?!?

BECAUSE. I. SAW. HIM. WITH. BOTH. OF. MY. 20/20 VISION. EYES. WIDE. OPENED ?!?
WHAT. DO. YOU. MEAN. HOW. DO. YOU. KNOW. HE. IS. AN. INDIAN. LIKE. WHATT ?!
ARE. YOU. DUMB? ARE. YOU. DUMB? ARE. YOU. DUMB? ARE. YOU. DUMB? ARE. YOU?

Does this dumb bitch think that I assumed every Indian to be mentally unsound? She does.
And then, I noticed my follower count started to drop drastically because of that post.
Or rather, the "caption" that made them think that I am racist. Am I racist? Honestly, I
don't fucking know. But one thing that I know is that the internet is fucking. triggered.
by. anything. and. always. like. to. pretend. that. they. are. a. bunch. of. Samaritans.

Fake. Sanctimonious. Hypocrites.
Go and get sponsors to create an
awareness campaign if you care
so much about racism you fucking
dumb bitch? Get the fuck out of my
aesthetically pleasing Instagram page!

If it was a Malay or Chinese girl who commented that, I would gladly ponder over my
words of choices, and whether I am a good-hearted non-racist person who deserves to
live on this Earth, but an Indian girl? Hahah. NO. You can go fuck yourself with a cactus.
NO matter WHAT you do or say, some people are just going to find fault with you, just
because they like the idea of "I am more morally superior than you so let me teach you
a lesson and educate you". I am done. SO done with stupid people online. I am not even
going to let myself be bothered by these people anymore. Since that episode, I set my
unfollower app setting to automatically block my unfollowers, because I don't think
any of them deserves to see the content that I am putting out. Like, sorry not sorry.
It always amazes me how most people on social media right now are mindlessly attracted
to fake positive vibes. Like, I get it. You go on social media to escape from real-life stress.
But some people online just like to pretend that life is a bed of roses, which puzzles me,
a lot. When I was younger, I wish I'd known that real bad stuff does go down in real
life, so that when I see the bad stuff in real life, I would've been prepared for them.
I wish influencers would talk more about important real stuff instead of being a bunch
of clones talking about the same fake positive stuff like "oh look at this acai bowl that I've
just made life is so easy & fun like I don't understand why people are depressed" because
they have a "public image" to protect. Okay I actually lowkey love acai bowl (but that's
not the point), the point is, I just wish people are more realistic and stop being a bunch
of sheeps (I'm not excluding myself, I am one of those sheeps kay thanks). Rant over.

I wish I wasn't so sheltered, like how I was brought up in the past.

As a part of my "restart", I decided to include more discussions about sex and dating in my
future content from now on — which, if you are immensely uncomfortable with this kind
of topic, I would suggest you to stop reading the rest of this post from this point onward.

Bye bye.

I am not the one to feel bad about my own body shape, at least in my conscious opinion.
Yes, I do hate my face features — but I've always took pride in my lean body. I like how I
feel in my own body, I like how it made me feel like I'm able to complement the type of
guys whom I'm (superficially wise) attracted to: tall and dominant (and maybe hairy, lol).
As a 22-year-old gay guy who is lean & relatively hairless, I am labelled as a "twink" in the
LGBT community, which I was rather proud of — until I actually started dating another gay
man & realize how insecure I've became because of my body. It should be no surprise that:
for the most part, LGBT community is utterly obsessed with idealized muscular figures.
Daddy, anyone? Body shape like mine is undesirable for most gay guys, well, at least for
the type of guys I'm attracted to. Romantic relationships, for me, turned out to be a big
sugar-coated lie after years and years of expectations. As of now, (after attempting to
date more than 10 guys) I have completely given up on my relationship life. Period.

I am going to stop waiting for someone to love me.
Not another man. Not friends. Not families. No, no.
I am going to love me. Even if that means I might be
forever alone until I breathed my last breath and die.
People are quick to judge, fall out with & betray you.
Lovers cheat, friends distance sooner or later, families
might disown — Loving yourself is the safest way to go.

Some advice for my fellow twinks
(OR to all the ladies out there)
who've never dated before :

Okay you know what? I will leave the rest in my future posts so that you'll have
something to look forward to. Now, moving on to more things not sex-related!
Throughout the course of April & May, I've also developed a bit of an (actually,
that's a lie, I meant a LOT of) obsession with fashion, here are some proves ▼