and . . . . . half of February teehee )

Hey Zengarmy,

Okay, so... where did I leave y'all hAnGiNg?

*ahem ahem*

I missed creating aesthetics & writing my heart out on this blog... but January
wAs A bEaSt (fuck you, January). As many of you might've already known, my
internship started last December, and (to put it simpler) it felt as if I am living
a double identity in a singular human body. I have to go to work everyday from
Monday to Friday from 7 a.m. to 4 p.m., and on top of that, continue my life as
a desperate final year student who has to work on his thesis. I was, as you put it
in the millennial internet slang, sHoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoKeTh.
This post had been sitting in my blog archive for a hot minute — as I continue
to desperately try to balance between my final year student & internship life,
all interspersed with 5 a.m. morning alarms and a couple of mental breakdowns
here & there. January 2018 was a lot of growing up for me. Student life was my
safety blanket  but very quickly after the commence of my internship, I plunged
head first into an incredibly stressful job. A teacher. Never in a million years would
I envisage myself working as a teacher, but here I am, sitting on my ridiculously tiny
single bed in my uni hostel (which I'll be moving out in a few months' time after I have
graduated), typing i aM A tEAcHEr as a matter of fact. I have a feeling "What Happened
In *insert whatever month*" will be a regular series on this blog from now on — and you
know what? I'm actually not sorry about that. A lot has happened in January. I spent a
shit tonne of time tearing down and reconstructing my new identity as a working adult,
trying my best to figure out what really matters in life and what doesn't, and who really
matters and who doesn't. I am going to split this post up into a few parts, so grab a cup
of hot tea and some snacks — and let's talk about what really happened in my January.

Towards the end of 2017, I met this boy (I will name him J) online and I was hit by
the realization that "hey you are a twenty-fucking-one-year-old biatch and if you
DO NOT start doing something you are going to get old and ugly and saggy and all
wrinkly soon and nobody is going to look at you and think hey I would totally fuck
him and marry him so grow your guts and start confessing to the boy you have a
crush on YOU fucking IDIOT". And so, I gathered all my guts and confessed to J —
and to my delightful surprise  he told me he is bisexual. And soon, we started
chatting & flirting like what every other online couples do — & like every other
online couples do, a good old push-and-pull love game is, sadly, unavoidable.

I. never. really. understood. the. game.

My first half of January was spent (literally) entirely on texting and snapchatting with J,
waking up every morning with his face stuck in my mind, swooning over his witty replies,
going to bed scrolling through our conversation. I was very drunk in love and desperately
trying to win over his heart because I didn't think I was attractive enough to sustain my
relationship with him — actually, fuck that, it wasn't even a relationship to begin with.
As quoted by my best friend Veronica, "if y'all are just texting and didn't even have your
first date yet, it means the relationship hasn't even started". So yea, all along I was just
wasting my time texting with a guy whom I wasn't even sure if he's really interested in
me or was just bored and needed somebody to talk to. We were really getting along
extremely well (online, pffffft) but it appears to me that he is just not ready for the
commitment yet. So yea, right now I'm stuck in a dilemma of whether to move on or
continue playing the game with him, and it's slowly driving me nuts. *fUuNn TiMeS*
You can read as many books on "how to avoid heartbreak and fuckboys" and as many
tumblr posts on "get over that fuckboy you are a strong independent woman" (in my
case, man), but when you're really in the encounter — everyone is as equally stupid
& blinded by the smokescreen of love. So yea, what's happening right now is this 👇

I   r e a l l y   n e e d   t o   l i s t e n   t o
m y   o w n   a d v i c e   s o m e t i m e s .

I'm not dumb. I knew the risk of putting all eggs into one basket. But I couldn't help it.
I never believed in love at first sight, but J is my love at first sight. He is EVERYTHING
that I've ever imagined and wanted — smart, witty, humorous, goofy AND good-looking.
I would show a picture of him here if I could, but I would never do that. Even if things
didn't work out between us, he will forever have a place in my heart. I've been chatting
with a few other guys as well (wow I've really portrayed myself as a HOE here but if you
know me YOU KNOW ME I don't need to prove shit to nobody 😉) but none of them made
me feel butterflies in my stomach. It's crazy. How tragic is that? Why do I always fall in
love with somebody who doesn't love me? (well, good fucking luck to my 2018 new year's
resolution of stop being single for at least a month cause I don't think it's gonna happen)

Moving on to Part 2.

Long story short, my internship started out really boring (I'm not trying to hide anything
here) but the challenges are growing every single day — and surprisingly, I'm having the
best time of my life now! As of current, I'm assisting my teacher-in-charge (hi Christina
if you're reading this! *ps. she probably won't read this post so I'm just saying tsk tsk*)
to teach a classroom of 6 pre-school students with age ranging from 4 to 8 years old, in
which one of the kids (who shall be named K) is an 8-year-old autistic kid with learning
disabilities. K is currently under my care and I really hope I'm able to make her progress
before I leave in March! 🙏 Obviously there is a lot of information which I couldn't share
here out of confidentiality, but I will try my best to follow up when I'm in the mood to
articulate my words (right now I'm in a rush to go to sleep so that I will be able to wake
up at 5 a.m. tomorrow morning to travel to work, fuck my fucking tragic life thanks 👌)

▲ Trust me, I almost cried when this
drawing was handed to me by Ayami.
Some children are angels, only some.

In terms of working environment, I could not wish for a better one (I swear they did not
pay me to write this)! In only a short span of few weeks' time, I've already became close
friends with a couple of teachers (and one of them is a hot British teacher whom I have
a slight crush on. I will save the tea for future posts heheheheheheh!) Having said that,
in the same amount of time (ironically) I managed to fall sick, get assaulted by one of
my students with Down syndrome and aggressive predisposition, and spent most of my
salary on buying medicine to try to keep myself alive before I complete my internship:

I will keep you guys updated, if I'm still alive after my internship haha.
Very quickly, moving on to Part 3:

As I grow older, my perspective towards oversharing on social media has changed
drastically from a huge YES to massive NO. As of lately, I would very much prefer
keeping my life updates exclusive to only a small circle of people who matters the
most to me, rather than broadcasting it online. Of course, I'm not saying that I will
not be sharing my life on social media anymore — just that I love the idea of letting
people who deserve to know my whereabouts know it. I would be the first to say that
I don't really give two fucks about all the superficial acquaintances that I've previously
made. I really do prefer to keep things superficial and surface with them — just as they
wished. Another thing that really disgusts me is that I found out that a "friend" of mine
made an audacious statement saying that "What is so hard about your job? You're just
playing with the kindergarten kids isn't it?" behind my back. I was disgusted by him.
Like, truly disgusted. He wouldn't even dare to say that if he switched place with
me for an hour. Well, he can go and fuck himself all he want with his HR desk job
when all he has to do is to sit down in an air-conditioned room staring at a screen.

😊 😊 😊

I hope you've enjoyed reading
this short life update from me!
My blog posts schedule will be
really sporadic for these couple
of months so please hang tight 😂
I shall see you in my next one, bye!


1 comment :

  1. Here's a random blog post suggestion: Talk about online dating since I assume that you met J online? I superluv your blog:D


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