Hey Zengarmy,

Sorry for the lack of updates lately. (My previous post is 5 days ago)

Earlier this year, I've naively made a promise to myself, that is to
push myself to write at least 10 posts (minimum) a month,
but apparently it was all too much for me to handle.

I noticed that what I was doing is exactly what a people-pleaser does.
Did I sign up for that when I first started this blog? NO! Absolutely not.
I used to be able to blog whenever I want, but NOW, with a consistent
amount of readers coming back to my blog every day (even though small),
I feel stressed & guilty when I didn't update my blog for more than 5 days.
To some extend this is a good thing. It means I'm actually putting in effort.
However, more lately I find myself having creative blocks at high frequencies.
Creating contents on my blog and other social media used to be my favorite
thing to do, but now it's slowly turning into a repetitive, dull, & boring task.

And worst of all, I find myself always dwelling on hatred unconsciously.
The hatred that rose up inside me when people unfollow/unsubscribe me?
The hatred that rose up inside me when people leave hate comments?
This hatred is too deep & unnecessary. But I kept doing it unconsciously.
This scares the absolute shit out of me. I guess part of the scariest thing
about growing up is that : you became that somebody you used to despise.

I've been making a lot of adult conversations with myself lately.

Surprise surprise. I used to hate the fact that I'm becoming an adult.
But now I'm embracing it. Life is all about embracing. Both good & bad things.
Of course, shit still happens all the time, most of the time. But I've been trying
to convince myself that if I get fed up so easily at the slightest things, I'm going
to be pissed off for 24/7 for the rest of my life until my heart stops beating.

Here's what I found enlightening when I recently had one of those inevitable days,
when I keep sighing at how famous Shawn Mendes got when he's only currently 17
& basically how everybody else's life is more successful & more vibrant than mine.

PS : I know that's all bullshit. But I can't help feeling inferior sometimes.


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