Hey Zengarmy,

"Where are you?!" "Are you dead???"
"I haven't heard from you for so long!"

😬 😬 😬

So, I kinda did that thing again where I just dropped my online presence off
into the limbo like a piece of trash by not posting anything for a month...
It was a conscious decision of mine, knowing that my final exam results
slip will thank me in the near future. I just finished my last paper this
afternoon, and my mind came straightaway to this blog — staring at me
like a bad mother abandoning her baby. It feels weird to be typing this
post, to be blogging again. I was away for so long I didn't even know how
to write an opening for my blog posts anymore. Overwhelmed, unfamiliar,
and uncertain — in many ways this post is a reflection of where I'm at with
my life right now. My October self made an accurate prediction: November
was a hell of a month. I was ridiculously panicked with securing my internship
(I got my internship in the end, more on this later), juggling with my depression
and anxiety (what is new here), and literally cannot stop thinking about how much
of a failure I am every morning when I wake up. It was intense. I was blocking out
a lot of people in my life because socializing with people quickly became a daunting
task for me that drains the life out of my body. Most of the time when I was walking,
I found myself staring at the ground, or into the air, blank and deadpretty sure I
came across very rude to most people but seriously I don't give two fucks I wasn't
bothered by it. There was this empty void in my heart that desperately needed to
be filled with something, and for a moment, I was totally clueless about what it is.

So what happened in November?

I think most notably, I realized every time you let go of something, you gain something.
If you're constantly trying to swipe everything into your bag, it's not gonna work. Life
has cunning ways of finding your weakest spot & tearing you apart when you least
expect it. I remembered staring into one of my friends' eyes & telling her "I just feel
so drained, so drained". That's when I decided it's time for me to let go of some things
and put the focus back to myself. It felt right for me to do that. And I believe it was the
best decision for me. I narrowed down my social circle, spent less time on social media,
and found myself comparing less with other people. It's important for me to know that
I'm on my own journey & how well other people did shouldn't bother me at the slightest.
I have to, learn how to forgive myself even when I don't live up to my own standards.

In terms of what I've been doing while I was gone (from online) for the past month,
we're talking A LOT of studying. It's been a super hectic study month
for me — I first tried out the study group technique and I love it! I used to always study
by myself and often times it can get very depressing for me (thanks to my depression!)
but being in a study group definitely kept me more grounded to the reality from my
destructive thoughts. Also, blessings in disguise, I managed to secure my internship
at a special need learning center called Mindspace + I got the highest mark EVER
for my assignment in my entire career as a university student ?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

"Amazingly original and well
researched. You should consider
publishing this paper."

Ermmmm helllooooo ??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

M E :

When I first saw the marks I was stunned and in total disbelief.
I cannot believe my own eyes. I kept on refreshing the page.
38/40 seemed like a picturesque imaginary mark that can
only be framed onto the wall, BUT I GOT IT??! I FREAKING
Definitely the pinnacle of my entire student life so far!

What's going to happen in December? To start with, I'll be starting
my internship next week so fingers crossed that everything will be
going smoothly! Also it's Christmas time, my favorite holiday of the
year! — so expect a bunch of Christmas-related content on this blog
for the upcoming weeks (just to the level of controlled anarchy that


No comments :

Post a Comment

 photo back to top 1_zpsf8bgncs9.png