05/11/2017

FINAL YEAR — THE GOOD, THE BAD, THE UGLY.


Artwork by Pedro Tapa, Edits by Zeng Teck.





Hey Zengarmy,


Haven't been able to properly sit down and blog as much as I'd like to,
but here I am, catching you up! I know some of you regular readers are
here to keep up with my life — and this post is FOR YOU! I was scrolling
through my blog feed the other day and was particularly inspired by this
recent post from Lucy Moon (you can click HERE to read that post! Don't
worry, it opens up in a separated tab that is if you're on your computer,
which I doubt most of you guys reading this are). If you're reading this post
on your mobile device then just skip the hassle & continue reading this post.



So, yea, today I'm finally addressing one of the most heated questions I get from
most of my readers since I started university: What does it feel like to be a uni
student? To give you a VERY ROUGH idea, it's actually not much of a difference than
being in high school you wake up, you scroll through your social media fully knowing
that you're almost late for the class, you go to class without eating breakfast, you study
last-minute, you do your assignment, you sit for the exam in a freezing cold hall that
could possibly stop your heartbeat due to hypothermia, you passed all of your papers
wondering how you managed to do that, and you repeat the cycle until you graduate.



* note: some parts are exaggerated for entertainment purpose *



A pretty standard pattern for most
uni students, shall I dare to say so.
( However, it may be subject to change if you accidentally fail your exams,
which I've fortunately NOT experienced before & hope I'll NOT experience
in forever. To be fair, I actually did pretty well academically, so god bless. )



*touch wood touch wood* CHOI CHOI CHOI *TOUCH WOOOOOOOOD*



Anyway, let's start off with the good side — cause that's always how you break
a bad news to somebody so they can have an imaginary cushion to fall back on.
* A h e m * It shouldn't be surprising to know that when you're in university, you
HAVE ALL THE FREEDOM THAT YOU'VE BEEN DREAMING OF SINCE HIGH SCHOOL.
The freedom to eat fast food like nobody's business. The freedom to stay up as
late as you can, just because you wanted to. The freedom to... erm... I can't
think of anything else right now so the freedom to *you name it*. Yes! In my
case, I started my pre-University course (I've blatantly chosen A-Level, obvs,
you can go WAY BACK to my previous many-years-old posts to read my story
— for right now I'm just gonna not write about it here to save us some time)
at Sunway College since January 2014. After graduating from A-Level, I then
decided to stay at the same campus (because I love it SO MUCH, more on this
later) & started my Psychology bachelor's degree at Sunway University in the
August of 2015. For those of you who are wondering whether you should enrol
yourself into university for tertiary education, I would advise you to do so ONLY
IF YOU'RE INTERESTED IN THE SUBJECT MATTER THAT THE UNIVERSITY COURSE
IS PROVIDING. I've chosen A-Level due to peer pressure and I SUFFERED badly
from my decision. I was depressed, constantly anxious, & feeling hopeless for
most of the time during my A-Level — it was definitely NOT a pleasant memory
that I would voluntarily look back at like an old granny reminiscing old photos.



 However, starting my university degree is a total game changer for me. 



I've recently gone through an internship interview with an organisation (I wasn't sure
if I got the internship yet so I shall not disclose the name of the organisation to avoid
embarrassment huehue) and in the interview I talked about my depression when I was
in my A-Level. For me, I really take pride in the fact that I bounced back (the exact
wording that I've used in that interview) from the rock bottom of my life to where I
am today, & I owe it to my decision of studying Psychology for my tertiary education.
Sad to say this, but it was only during my university life that I TRULY FELT FULFILLED.
People at university are generally more matured and open-minded, and it was during
this time that I've befriended some of the most genuine people that I've met in my life.
One thing that most people generally don't know about university is that all your class-
mates of the same batch don't necessarily share the same age. For example, you could
be 20 but some of your classmates could be 25 or 27. I personally always preferred to be
friends with more matured people so this has really hit the jackpot for me. I would say
for me, one of the greatest harvest from university (other than academic knowledge)
is definitely getting the opportunity to befriend more matured, open-minded friends
who are very loving and accepting of my homosexuality. If you're gay, depressed, and
VERY interested in developing your knowledge in a specific field (not just because
your parents or *evil/ busybody/ annoying* relatives pressured you into doing so),
I think it's safe to say that university will be a life-changing experience for you!






Now that I'm in my final year (how time flies!), one of the many "exciting projects"
*air quoted because they ARE distressing 80% of the time!* 😩😩😩 that awaits me is
my Final Year Project. If you've followed me on my other social media, you might've
already known what my Final Year Project is about — but just in case you didn't know,
H e r e ' s   w h a t   y o u  need to know:












One thing that I really wanted to document in this post is that I'm beyond grateful
to be able to conduct my research based on a topic (social media) that I'm really
interested to study on. When I first met up with my research supervisor Professor
Hew Gill, I was rather unsure about the choice of my topic — but Professor Hew
was super supportive & helpful along the journey — which is reassuring to know!
Overall, I feel like my university experience has been a fulfilling ride so far! ✨
Of course there were bumps in the road, which I'm going to talk about right now.





I think this one goes without saying. When you're in your freshmen year,
everything seemed so amicable. You were forgiven for your errors, guided
by the lecturers with baby steps — and most importantly, the subjects you
were taking in the first year were NOT even counted into the CGPA that is
going to determine whether you graduate as a first class honor or not (well,
at least in my case)You were basically given an entire year as a "warm-up
session" for you to accustom to the new environment. However, things turned
real ugly from sophomore year onwards. I was taking 5 core subjects (meaning:
subjects that go REALLY deep into all realms of Psychology) per semester, juggling
between revision & assignments, running all my social media accounts in hopes that
they can turn profitable at some point, reflecting on the meaning of life every night
before I go to sleep (lol) — and on top of all these, balancing between my final year
research & internship! It was still manageable during my second year (even though
I've had several mental breakdowns every now and then, I think every student can
relate to this) but now that I'm in my FINAL YEAR...... I. AM. LIVING. ON. THE. EDGE.



If this doesn't sound like a fresh, warm
bed for anxiety and depression to grow,
I don't know how else to describe it 😂




( an actual representation of my life )



Out of nowhere, there comes a lot invisible forces nudging you forward
regardless of whether you wanted to take a break or not (cause you do not
have a choice). A lot of expectations were put on your work, and you were
treated less and less like a student. A lecturer actually shared with us a story
of how one of our senior purposely failed the final year project just so that
she could stay in university for another year — and I think it's not completely
illogical for her to think so. Not everyone is in the correct head space to be
ready to transition themselves into working adult life. Yes, "working adult".
Just by typing these 2 words is already making me shivering with anxiety.



Like what Lucy has written in her post: the post-graduation fear of finding
regular employment, IT. IS. REAL. I've reached the twilight of my university
"career" that I need to apply for internship just so I can be gracefully shipped
out of my university into the real world after my graduation. I sometimes
wonder if I will be able to survive in the real workforce — where people
are constantly trying to step on others to climb up to the top. Am I really
strong enough to withstand that? Is a fresh graduate like me appealing?



Building a strong social circle with my close friends had really helped me.
Whenever me and my friends are feeling worried about having a jobless
future, we would always remind each other that WE ARE ALL IN THIS
TOGETHER. Sometimes, rejection doesn't mean never. Most of the
times it simply means "not now". Not now. Take your time and let
yourself grow and evolve. When you tried your best and you don't
succeed (stole that line from Coldplay, how convenient)it will
always be a bad taste in your mouth and a bad feeling in your
stomach, no matter how "optimistic" you claimed yourself to be.
It's important to acknowledge all those emotions, let them sink in
for a day or two, and pick yourself RIGHT THE FUCK UP. Wasting
time feeling sorry for yourself is never going to do you any good.






This brings me to the last section of this post — The Ugly.



The ugliest part of university life that I've experienced is realizing how some
people can be fake to your face and be the complete opposite in your absence.
With higher maturity, it goes without saying that some of these individuals that
you meet in your university life are highly scheming and calculative — not in an
extremely harmful way, but harmful enough to let you have a peek on the other
facet of humanity. My advice to you is to always try to put up a friendly face in
front of others (even if you don't necessarily like them). Never burn bridges with
others because you might need their favor in the future — who knows? I definitely
had a few previous encounters when I failed to "put up a friendly face" but it's
important to know that you don't have to beat yourself up if you "failed to be
agreeable". Admist the hectic university life, it's important to put your mental
health at the top of your priority. If you're in a toxic relationship where one
party always tries to take advantage from you without giving you back the
input that you deserved, LEAVE THE RELATIONSHIP. Don't worry about no fakes.
Sometimes it takes a lot more courage to be a quitter than a muted sufferer.



It will be an eye opener for you. There will be people who are extremely
sanctimonious and think that they are more superior than you. They think
they are more sophisticated (eg. music taste? or whatevah) than you are,
more established (eg. already has XXXXX amount of savings, has travelled
to XXXXX number of countries, has XXXXX number of ex relationship) than
you are. They don't necessarily show it outwardly, but as the time goes, it
will soon be revealed like the cake under the icing. Interestingly, on the
other hand, there will also be people who constantly put everyone in a
competition. I mean, a little bit of competition is a nice spice to life,
but some people will just take it too far beyond. It's best to stay away
from these people — but still keeping a good term with them, for reasons
that I've mentioned earlier. It's okay to fall out of a friendship that you've
built earlier in your university life. Sometimes friends just outgrew each
other and realize that they are not on the "same channel" anymore, and
that's totally fine. Again, prioritize your mental health. Know that some
of these people that you've met during your university life? You're probably
NOT going to see them FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE after you've graduated.



( Just like those fake asses in your high school 😜 👌 )






That should be all for now! I really hope you've gained some insights
(or at least a few good giggles, I don't know) and please don't hesitate
to leave a comment below if you want to chat (nasty comments will
be filtered I'm soz, or I will just screenshot it as my screensaver!)


I shall see you in my next one, bye!









          
(CLICK TO FOLLOW ALONG & STAY UPDATED)

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2 comments :

  1. Hey zengteck, I've been reading your blog for a long, long time. I don't really read anything irl actually, but everytime you post, I click. Your are an inspiration to me. Thank you for being you! I wish you the best of luck and I hope you'll get your internship 😋

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  2. @Anongirl heyaa thanks for the comment (not sure why yours only appeared on the mobile version of my blog but not the pc version so this comment might look like i'm conversing with a ghost hahah) 😂 I'm glad that my words have somehow given you some inspiration in life!! 💜💜💜💜💜💜

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