Hey Zengarmy,

I guess you already know that I'm not confident with my outlook.
That's why I spend so much on "fixing the insides" than "fixing the outsides".
I emphasize on building inner beauty because I do not have the outer beauty, LOL.
I wasn't born handsome.
I know you must be thinking "but you take pictures of yourself everyday..."
Lol, I do because I have a blog, it's my job to be vain sometimes.

Nice people always tell me that appearances don't matter.
It's not true though, I was nearly convinced.

Yet, in this real world, appearances matter... A LOT.

I woke up feeling like a piece of shit today.
I know very well that : I'm not sick at all,
but I feel like I wanna puke so much.
I had the WORST anxiety attack this morning.

Thinking back of the time when I first started this blog,
I was very enthusiastic and passionate about it.
To me, blogging is very therapeutic.
I feel so much better when I wrote out all of the emotions
(either good or bad) that have been bottling up inside me.

But lately I can't find that passion anymore.
You know? The passion of putting in your best effort when you're doing something.
I hate myself so much for not putting my best foot forward.
Too often I gave up something halfway when I think it's too tough,
but then, when I looked back, I found myself so stupid for letting go opportunities.
And the worst part is : THE CYCLE IS UNSTOPPABLE !!!

Am I going too far & too astray ???
Is my decision of starting a blog WRONG ??
I feel so guilty when my mom said this :

Of course I can, but the timing isn't right yet !!!
My blog reader community isn't stable yet,
which means that I don't have many fans yet (in simpler words).
I especially dislike how people think that bloggers don't deserve earning money
"because their job is so easy".

E X C U S E    M E   ? ! ! !
You think writing a blog post is so easy har ???!!!
If so, why don't you write it yourself & let me read ?!

Okay, sorry for being so aggressive hahaha.

Back to the point,
despite feeling that blogger could be a potential career for me,
( since I love writing stuff so darn much)
some parts of me think that it's too risky to do this.
 I   K N O W  ,  I T ' S   I N D E E D   T O O   R I S K Y.
And I hate taking risks.
I'm allergic to all the uncertainties in the world.
That's why I'm afraid of deep ocean & darkness.

I feel so guilt-stricken for being an "excuser".
I'm so good at making tonnes of excuses.
And I hate myself for doing this.

I just ...... don't know whether I should continue blogging.
I'm so confused and at lost.
My body wants me to STOP BLOGGING & BE A "NORMAL PERSON".
But my mind says the opposite.

Blogging should be fun.
But it turns out pretty disastrous for me.
I guess I spent too much time on it,
until I screwed up all the schedules in my real life.

I hate saying this but :
Maybe it's time for me to take a short break from blogging,
and take the safe path that everybody wants me to take. 

Don't you worry, 
I'm not quitting blogging (& making YouTube videos) lah,
I just wanna make sure that all my "real-life" responsibilities are well-handled.

Now, these things may seem small to you, 
but to me, each of these things is important,
and has contributed to this feeling of well-being and happiness tonight. 
( although this won’t last for too long )

This post may seem a little bit odd to some people, 
but if you know me well, 
you’ll appreciate how much it means to me.

Till next time, Zengarmy (´´)ノ *:- 
(even though I'm not sure when will I be blogging next time mwahahaha)

P . S . : Follow me on my social medias to get my latest update yo !
▶ YouTube : www.youtube.com/MrGagaguilera
 ▶ Instagram : www.instagram.com/zengteck
▶ Twitter : www.twitter.com/zengteck
▶ FB page : www.facebook.com/MrGagaguilera
▶ FB blog : www.facebook.com/ClassicPsychology

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