AN ORDINARY BOY IN AN OVERWHELMING WORLD.

♥

Hey Zengarmy,


"I am writing this blog post as a reminder
for myself in 20 years time."



Before I even begin to write this blog post,
I had a feeling that this blog post is going to be sibeh (DAMN) long.
So, quickly grab yourself a cup of hot tea or some snacks before continue reading, hahah.
(Kindly ignore this if you are one of those speedy readers)



As I mentioned in many of my previous blog posts,
(or not, my memory is pretty much rubbish)
I HATE GROWING UP.
Yes. I don't want to be an adult. Don't judge me.
If you're a new reader here, (helloooo there!) 
you might want to know that I've recently graduated from A-Level,
and am now in the light of searching for a "purpose in life" (a.k.a. earning money).
We all know that earning money is important in life,
there's no denial that only rich people can deny this fact.



Knowing this, I went pretty hard on searching a new job,
just as a time-killer before my next course starts in August.
So, I went to a shop to ask if they're hiring. And they said yes.
I was like "whoah".
I didn't expect things to be going that smooth, you know.
Then they e-mail me a form to fill in. (and those boring procedure...)
And after I resend the e-mail to them, it took them 5 days to respond.
I was quite pissed off because I can't even sleep well for that whole week,
just because they didn't respond to my e-mail immediately.
All my destructive thoughts in my head are like:
"They won't hire you, Zeng Teck, cause you're too noob for a job."
"They're just acting kind to hire you, they don't actually need help."
"You are being fooled, you silly!"



AND THE ENDING ?
You guessed it. I didn't make it. But that doesn't matter much to me.
They hinted me that they already have enough staff. And I happily backed off.
Little did they know, I already got another part time job in hand hahah.
My current part time job is summarizing data for university lecturers.
It has a good pay, I guess. And the best part? I can work at home.
Working on my bed, literally my life, hahahahahahahaha.



So, yep. That was a tough week with lots of emotional roller coasters.
I had a few anxiety attacks just by thinking how useless I am for not being brave.
I guess that's mainly because I grew up as a kid with a lot of insecurities.
People say kids forget things easily, but they surely have no idea at all.
When I was a kid, I don't feel being treasured enough.
I mean, not that my parents don't treasure me,
but I secretly wished to be treasured more by friends at the same age as me.
Out of all the memories of my childhood, I remembered this scene the most:
I was crying in front of the whole class, because the teacher punished me
and made me stand in front of the class, and I was so embarrassed that I cried.
And then, believe it or not, some mean girls in the class called me 阿瓜,
(which means ladyboy in Chinese).



I was in pain. My heart was screaming in pain and embarrassment.
I swear I wanted to strangle those girls to death, if my rationale didn't forbid me.
But that was a long time ago, and I OF COURSE DON'T feel like strangling them anymore.
Still, the memories didn't go away. And they contributed to my insecurities more.
To me, friend is a dangerous component in life.
People say friends don't destroy each other, what do they know about friends?
To me, friendship don't last long most of the time.
People change. And when they changed, the "somebody" that you once know,
is no longer that "somebody" you used to know.
And if you truly love your friend, you have to let them go.
Friendship is NOT life. Friendship is PART OF life. 
You meet people along the journey of your life, and they contributed to your story,
that's all.



I went through quite a few good-gone-wrong friendships.
A friend left me because we do not hang out that frequently.
A friend left me because I forgot to call him for dinner.
A friend left me because I put a photo of me online with other friends but without him.
A friend left me because he think that I've changed.
I left a friend because I think that he's changed.
A friend left me because he was jealous of my success.
I left a friend because he badmouthed me behind my back.



All sorts of reason.
Friendships are that fragile.



When I was a lot more younger than I am right now,
I used to be heartbroken many times by failed friendships.
And that's when I realized that when you're in a relationship,
DON'T GIVE IN YOUR ALL.
You'll bound to get hurt if you put in so much effort,
while the other person basically did NOTHING.
Going from elementary school to secondary school is quite easy for me,
because I literally hate all of my friends in elementary school, no kidding.
But things are different in high school, you make FRIENDS.
Not those "I-want-to-befriend-you-because-you-got-nice-toys" friends, but real friends.
And when it comes to splitting apart, things can get a little bit tougher.
Speaking of that, I wasn't very popular in high school either.
My real friends can basically be numbered by five fingers,
others are just those "nice-to-meet-you-where-you've-been" kind of friends.



Moving on to college, things are no different.
Okay. Maybe a lot more worse than in high school.
You started to realize that your life as a teenager is ending. Soon.
I still decided to be a wallflower in college, because why not?
I really enjoy NOT BEING FREQUENTLY NOTICED by people. That's my vibe.
But then another side of me screams NOOOOOOOOOOO.
It screams : "Do something crazy before you get old, idiot."
And I adhere to it, in the online world.
I created this blog. My YouTube channel. And other social medias.
I found a new purpose besides earning money.
I want to inspire people to be their own best version.



I am so passionate. I am so grateful I found it.
However, things definitely do not go smooth-sailing.
Being able to inspire people means that you HAD TO see the worst,
that's when you're ABLE TO inspire people. Make sense?
I have the gift of seeing a lot of ugly things.



Selfishness.
Greediness.
Cruelty.
Betrayal.
Disappointment.



Not that I personally went through ALL these,
but I like to read a lot of stories online, and sometimes my emotions bombard me.
I am beginning to doubt that : "Do I really make the cut of being an inspiration?"
That explains my decision to pursue Psychology, even though I love Art a bit more.
I am an ordinary boy in an overwhelming world.
I am still searching myself.

♥