Hey Zengarmy,

Okay, the title of this blog post is kind of a damper, I admit.
But I wanted to be open and honest with my readers. That's me.
I've been wanting to write about this topic for a long, long time,
but chances are, whenever I have the idea of writing this topic,
I feel anxious. Am I really qualified to discuss this issue? Am I?
Will my readers be able to read this post without freaking out?
Will my readers think that I'm preaching religions using this post?

The list goes on and on. But today I decided to not give a fuck.

Who inspires me to write this post? My cousin Joey.
(absolutely unsure if I wrote the correct spelling, soz.)
So, in my previous blog post I mentioned about CNY,
and long story short, I went back to my hometown &
ended up finding out that my cousin Joey had been reading
every single one of my blog posts since she found out the
existence of my blog. Along with her siblings, I meet Joey
once a year (literally) only during special occasions like CNY.
Since there's a considerably big generation gap (Joey is currently 16)
between me and Joey & her siblings, we don't get along that well.

But surprisingly, things have changed this year.
The moment I stepped into my grandma's house,
where all of the relatives gather together during CNY,
"I read your blog" is the first sentence Joey spoken to me,
and OH MY, I was perspiring invisible sweat when I heard that.
I may be very proactive in promoting my blog on my social media,
but I rarely promote my blog in real life. Not that I'm not proud of it,
I just don't want to be that kind of annoying person whom all they
care about is to blow their own trumpets whenever they seized the
opportunities. Eww. That's a big turn-off for me. Take note of that.

When I further asked Joey if she read my blog posts selectively,
she instinctively told me that she reads every of my blog posts,
and on top of that, she enjoys reading them & finds it inspiring.
I feel surprised & privileged at the same time, out of knowing that
somebody appreciates the content I've been creating all this while.
To me, it's a really strange feeling to know that I can inspire people.
I used to be a person who is so, so sad inside & always fakes his smile.
I used to be a person who keeps feeling sorry for himself, who believes
that life has nothing to offer him other than disappointment & loneliness.
But I survived all of that. I figured that if we are all going to die someday,
why do I have to die a sad, disappointed, & lonely ghost? I deserve happiness!
Even if life is a bitch who keeps making things difficult, I deserve happiness.
I'm not ashamed of suffering from anxiety and depression. I feel privileged.
I experienced things that other seemingly-normal-people couldn't experience.
I know what it feels like to fall asleep every night wishing that you can die
in your sleep because you can't stand another day of living the pathetic,
robotic life of trying to become what other people expect you to be.

But now, I fall asleep every night wishing that I can wake up tomorrow
to inspire more and more people. How strange is this drastic change?
People like Joey, whom I didn't expect would be attracted to what I
wrote on this blog, actually finds my blog posts inspiring and reads all of
them? I want this to be my purpose in life. I want to inspire people.
I want someone to look at me and say, "Because of you I didn't give up."

Chatting with Joey this year feels like catching up with a good old friend.
Thanks to my blog, she knew that I went to 2 concerts last year. She knew
all of the movies and books I've been loving last year. It feels like she's been
there participating in my life for the entire 2015. Technology nowadays, oh my.
I thank Joey for not publicly questioning me about my anxiety and depression,
which is, completely different from what I've imagined other inconsiderate
big-mouthed cousins would do if they found out my blog and read all the posts.
And I get to know Joey a lot better this year than I am in 2015. We chatted a lot.
I know that she wants to be a dentist. I know that she likes Nick Robinson (same!).
Even though she's 16, I feel like our degree of maturation is almost identical.
Maybe it's because she's been reading my blog for 12 months, but anyways,
I enjoyed having a chatting companion who knows that I hate my roommates.

Believe it or not, one of the topics that we talked about in our conversation
involves death, afterlife, and whether God really exists or not (#casualtalk),
which brings me back to the title of this blog post. Do you believe in afterlife?
I personally don't, no offense. In my humble opinion, to some certain extend,
the belief in afterlife actually makes people procrastinate on their dreams.

"I want to do this so badly. But it's okay.
I can do it in my afterlife. No big deal."

No no no. If you have some dreams to be fulfilled, do it in this life.
The belief in afterlife actually creates the illusion that we have a lot
of time. But in reality, we do not have much time left. We're vulnerable.
Nobody can guarantee that there is always tomorrow. You might be walking
on the street on a perfectly fine sunny day and get ran over by a van and die.
And who knows what will happen to you after you die. Heaven? Hell? Vacuum?
I'm not interested in those. I try to focus on The Present. The Tangible Present.
How about you? Do you believe in afterlife? Feel free to leave a comment below!



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