29/12/2016

GOODBYE 2016, HELLO 2017.







Hey Zengarmy,


While 99% of the Earth population think 2016 is (or was?) an atrocious year,
(eg. Aleppo massacre, Trump election, Orlando mass shooting & a lot of shit)
I actually have a mixed feeling towards 2016. Taking it to a personal level and
not including all the terrible sad things happened in the world, 2016 is actually
one of the best years in my life so far, where I've grown and learned the most,
in terms of dealing with my body image issues and handling toxic relationships.



Wait WHAT?! Body image issues?? But you're so skinny

why the FUCK are you still NOT happy with your body?
Yes. And I'm here to tell you that it doesn't matter how skinny or big you are,
body image issue is something universal no matter how "perfect" your body is
in the public's eyes. You'll be surprised by how COMMON body image issue is,
even among those who're "not supposed" to feel inferior about his/her body.



 Here's your task : try asking your friend how they think about their body and 
 face & see how many of them are fully confident about their body and face? 



▲ Shoutout to my fucking Korean eyebrows, hahah!



I came across this quote the other day and felt OBLIGATED to share this.
People who suffer from anxiety or depression will be able to understand
this MORE THAN ANY OTHER person will. Personally for me, my inferiority
stems from situations when I cannot envisage what the outcome might be.
I know for most of the people out there it's such a stupid thing to be upset
about, but my lizard brain seems to register things in a very different way
from others — which made me turn down many opportunities that I could
have accepted otherwise — simply because I do not know what is going to
happen if I made the decision (so I'll just say NO to literally everything).



Pretty damn sure every single person who follows this blog knew that
I've had depression and still am struggling with it, so I'll just skip the
"hi-my-name-is-zeng-teck-i-suffer-from-depression" introduction, haha.
Particularly, the year of 2015/16 feels like an "awareness bazaar" for
depression & anxiety, where many celebrities publicly announced their
struggle with depression/anxiety, blatantly challenging the social stigma
attached to mental health problems. I feel like that's a big step forward
towards creating more awareness and I'm more than happy about that.






It's so, SO important for everybody to know
that depression and anxiety are VERY MUCH
REAL and not just a figment of imagination
of somebody wallowing in self-pity-party.



2016 is the year when I finally feel that I'm in almost-full control of my emotions
again, since the commence of my mental breakdown a few years ago when I could
barely even fight against the feeling of incompetency & failure that bombards me.
Of course, this doesn't mean that 2016 is all smooth-sailing for me — but trust me,
I've been through worse. I'm not really a super religious person, but I think the best
way (for me) to deal with my depression/anxiety is to imagine it as a test from God.
A test that was supposed to make you stronger & wiser, more than you've ever been.






Another important lesson that I've REALLY learned in 2016 is to not feel guilty of
ending relationships that mentally suffocate you — be it friendships or romance.
Towards the ending of 2016 I've ended 2 very-close relationships with people whom I
once thought I can't live without. But here I am. Look at me. I'm still here, breathing.
I won't go into further details about what's happened but believe me when I said that
those 2 person were once very close to me (at least in my perspective, lol, I'm actually
not so sure whether I stand any position in their hearts). It's a rude awakening for me
to realize that people really do change over the course of time and no relationships
are worth more than self-love. Yes, this brings me to talk about the "Hello 2017" part
of this post, hahahah! I'm not making anymore new years resolution for 2017 and the
subsequent years anymore because (1) I'd probably fail to keep up with it, & (2) it
stresses me out when I found out that I'd probably fail to keep up with it, heheheh!



#TheTruthHasBeenSpoken



Having said that, the one (and only) resolution that I wish to bring into 2017
is to make 2017 a year of achieving things for the sake of myself and not for
OTHERS. If you're subscribed to my YouTube channel, you might've noticed
that I had been VERY inactive for the past couple of months, primarily due to
my bad blood with my psycho roommate (click the link to read more, hahah)
but also due to the fact that I feel like I'm not enjoying the process of making
videos anymore — here's the thing, I feel like I'm becoming more focused on
pleasing other people rather than creating videos I genuinely enjoy making.



For the longest period of time I felt completely uninspired to put on anymore
content on my YouTube channel. I hated how my face looked, how my stupid
ugly teeth looked whenever I opened my mouth, how my voice sounded like
"I'm screaming" (as described by a hate comment) & basically EVERYTHING
about myself, even though I'm fully aware that I'm none of the these (maybe).



I'm not going to make any solid promises (cause they stress the fuck out of me)
but I think I might start reviving my YouTube channel again in 2017, not for the
sake of anyone else BUT ME. I think I started my YouTube journey with a very
crooked mindset of trying to be a people-pleaser, which is very suffocating.
So, for those of you who've once watched my videos & sticked around (if
there's ANY LEFT, LOL), I can't tell you how much I appreciate you and
I hope you can understand my decision of taking a break from YouTube.



Just know that I was never perfect,
I'm not perfect, and I will never be
perfect in the future, BUT FUCK IT.






Here's to more self-love and happiness in 2017!









        
(CLICK TO FOLLOW ALONG & STAY UPDATED)

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