Hey Zengarmy,

Okay. Let's just say that 2017 didn't start out right for me.
Pffffffft. Such an irony because I literally ended my last post
with "Here's to more self-love and happiness in 2017!", but here
I am, sitting on my couch with an eye infection & a broken heart.


And how worse could it be that I also just broke up with a person whom I thought
was in love with me but turned out to be a horny bastard with nothing but lust in
head? It happens the same way every time. It starts off with shorter messages,
and then longer silences. Then they're always busy. Then they're gone. POOF!

Like, no thanks.

Perhaps this is the why I'd be forever alone. People approach me for whatever
reasons, get to know me in person, and then they're like: fuck, this guy isn't what
I've expected, but I'll try to get some benefit from him because why not? And when
they're done they're gone. I've been repeating this same routine over and over again,
& I'm starting to realize that, maybe I'm better off alone. Maybe it was predestined.

And it terrifies me. 
Because no matter how hard I love,
I always end up shattering

I'm a person that nobody would think of unless I proved myself useful to them.
I'm a person that nobody would actively care for unless I initiate a conversation.
I'm an emotional time bomb disdained by so many person, until I've lost my count.
I've turned down so many birthday party & road trip invitations for fear that I might
be a downer. This is the real me. And I doubt anybody other than me will accept it.

Now that I'm half-blinded (literally), I have a lot of time to entertain my thoughts,
or, as most of others would say, I have a lot of time to feed my depression, pfffft.
I was told by my doctor "try not to worry too much", but try telling that to my brain.
I never understood why some people can "not worry too much" and I doubt I ever will.
I guess "an idle mind is a devil's workshop" will be the perfect idiom to sum up my brain
— when I have the time to listen to my own thoughts, my mind goes into this state of
marveling at all of the past decisions I've made and trying to build an unrealistically
perfect utopia that I could have achieved (well, I could have, in the parallel world).

I've recently reconnected with a friend who is currently studying overseas, & sometimes
I couldn't help but think of — what if I made the decision to study overseas? — which in
reality, is a NO-NO for me due to financial constraint. But something about living abroad
still fascinates me, and I continued to paint a beautiful picture of myself strolling on the
streets of exotic land inhaling the crisp air, and at the same time, condemning myself for
being such a fucking undetermined weak-minded crap who've made the wrong decision.

I have the fear of missing out.

( you might be interested to read THIS )

One of the downsides of having choice and opportunity is inevitably the things that we
have to give up to pursue the thing that we want most. We can't be everything at once.
Sometimes I feel paralyzed by a fear of missing out  it's terribly ironic that because I'm 
afraid to give things up, I end up never making any choices. You get stuck at the crossroads,
afraid to travel one path at the expense of never travelling the other. No matter how 
careful you are, there's going to be the sense you missed something, the collapsed feeling 
under your skin that you didn't experience it all. There's that fallen heart feeling that you 
have blindly rushed right through the moments where you should've been paying attention.

Ending this blog post on a positive note,
here are some wise words I've found on Tumblr :

PS : btw, who else is also obsessed with Ed Sheeran's new music?


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