Hey Zengarmy,

Okay. Today's post is rather sudden.

But I wanted to share my thoughts with you guys.
That's why I started this blog, mainly.
Today I woke up with a huge wave of mixed emotions striking my brain,
I felt happy because I finally figured out a few things
that have been emotionally bugging me for a while,
and I can't help myself but crying my eyes out.

I blogged about my anxiety a long time ago,

but I never really talked about my depression in deep,
just because I can't really figure out what exactly might have caused my depression.
That's the thing with depression : they come whenever they want,
and they leave whenever they want, too.

Looking back at my most depressed time when I was 15,

I wished that somebody could have told me that "it's okay to feel lost",
instead of "everything will be okay" & "you're just thinking too much".
That doesn't help at all. Trust me. Not a relief at all to hear that.
That's the last thing a depressed person would want to listen to.

When I was in secondary school,

I definitely went through a lot of self-identifying phase,
all in the light of searching for my own purpose in life.
Believe it or not, I was tired of competing with other people.
I felt lost & trapped in a repeating cycle of constant battle with other people to be on top.
The strange thing is, I was quite enjoying "healthy competition" before that,
but suddenly my brain just decided to shut itself down.
My brain suddenly decided to tell me that : "What's the point of always be on top?"
What's the point of living in this world?

I remembered telling myself that this is just a phase,
that I'm just worrying too much & it will all recover after a night's sleep.
But unfortunately that's not the case for me,
(not for most of the depressed people too, I guess)
waking up in the morning used to be the worst thing in my life,
I wished I could just NOT wake up to face the reality.

I've been there. I've been at the point where I'm depressed because I thought my hopes are gone & NOTHING GOOD IS EVER GOING TO HAPPEN TO ME AT ALL & my whole life is destined to be miserable. I'm guilty of that too, sometimes I feel like I failed my life when I heard news of people getting to amazing places that I could never imagine myself be in. But after I met the acappella guys from Harvard in real life, I'm so glad that I didn't end my life at my most depressed time, or else I wouldn't be able to witness all these. I wasn't happy back then, my grades were getting from bad to worse and I thought I'm getting nowhere in my life. But now my heart is full of hopes. I WANT TO BE IN HARVARD! I have hope for my future and that's ALL GOOD! Don't lose hope. If you're at the same point as me where you feel like you don't have a purpose in life, I want you to know that God has a plan for everybody. Just because somebody posted a picture of them getting admission letter from Cambridge on Instagram, doesn't mean that you are a failure! YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT FUTURE HAS IN STORE FOR YOU. ☁☁☁
A photo posted by Z E N G T E C K ✧ (@zengteck) on

Some people say I'm too sensitive.
But the truth is : I just feel too much.
Every word, every action, and every energy goes straight into my heart.
It's both a blessing and a curse to feel everything so very deeply.

The only thing that pulled me through the darkest days of my life is by writing.
I love writing. I even wrote a short English novel when I was 14,
before all these depression things started to attack me.
When people asked me to write 5 pages, I would write 10 pages.
Not because I'm kiasu (afraid to lose), but because I truly enjoyed writing.

But after I became depressed,
I guess that people around me could really tell that I've changed.
I became lazier. I became demotivated. I started talking about death.
But they all thought that I'm just stressing myself out too much & needed a break.
Little did they know, I was screaming in my brain every night,
wondering what could have possibly gone wrong with me.

I wrote a lot of sentimental posts on my social media during that time.
It's one of the ways for me to vent my frustrations.
I guess everybody realized that there's something wrong with me,
because I hardly post anything before that.
But I called them off when they approach me.
A few relatives asked me what's wrong, but in a mean way that panicked me,
so I blocked them from my social media ever since then.
It was my first lesson from my own depression :

A lot of other things contributed to my depression as well.
People, it's the small little thing that does the greatest damage.
I remembered one time when my high school held a special academic program
for those prospective students who are expected to ace in the final exam.
And guess what? My name is NOT on the list.
I freaked out. I was panic. I was angry with myself.
I did pretty well in high school. In fact, I topped my class a few times.
But what the f--k just happened? They disregarded my effort.
I was later told that there was a mistake in the name list, but it was all too late.
I mean, my name did eventually went onto the list,
but my lizard brain started telling me nasty things.

"You little loser."
"You disappointed your family."
"You are a shame, Zeng Teck."
"Nothing good is ever going to happen to you anymore, again."

The last sentence did the greatest damage to my emotions.
I actually believed that I am going to achieve nothing in my life.
I cried a lot more. I was afraid to tell anybody because I didn't want to be a burden.
This condition persisted for quite a long time,
until I got a 50-cent-coin-shaped bald patch on the back of my head.
Yes, I got bald, in short, but not for too long after my new hair grows out.
I started to realize that I should fight back.
I shouldn't let my depression ruined my life.

Then I fought fiercely, all the way ever since that moment of realization.
It was not a smooth-sailing process, to be honest.
I did gave up many times along the way,
thinking that my life is predestined to be miserable & a series of failure.
But shortly after I gave up, there'll always be things that inspired and motivated me again.
I secretly think that God is watching over me,
because almost every time when I thought I couldn't make it through anymore,
good things happened, whether it's small thing or big thing, but good enough to cheer me up.

It was a tough battle.
Just when I recently thought that my life is never going to be better anymore, again,
meeting the Krokodiloes acappella group from Harvard gave me hopes again.
I blogged & vlogged about this. (CLICK HERE TO READ)
I don't know the exact reason why this incident inspired me that much,
but it just did, and I'm glad that it did.

After the concert, I had a few sleepless nights,
just because I'm thinking & re-valuating my life.
What opportunity have I missed?
Why am I wasting my life?
Is this really the life that I wanted?

Lots of constructive questions are being generated by my brain.
And I feel like I'm back in the old times again, when I was not depressed.
I missed that time a lot, when I was not depressed.
I used to be reluctant to further my studies in foreign countries,

I want to go to New York.
I want to go to Harvard University.
I want to go to London.
I want to go to Brighton.
I want to meet new people in my life.
I want to befriend foreign people to know their cultures.
I want to experience new things & new challenges.
I don't want to lead this monotonous life of depression.

This list could go on and on without a stop.
But I won't do that to you here, mwahahahaha.
I dare not say that I've fully snapped out of my depression,
but I CAN BE SURE that I recovered A LOT.
Now, waking up is the best new exciting thing in my life,
and I look forward to waking up to new challenges every day.

Everything that happened when I was depressed feels like just a dream now.

A nightmare. A terrible, bad, no good memory.

It took me a while to realize that :
If you're not comfortable with your own life & in your own skin,
Not your teacher. Not your friends.
Not your parents. Not your siblings.
IT'S YOU !!!!!!
You are the only person that can decide your own life,
whether it's a depressed life or a hopeful life,
it all depends on you and your thoughts.

I know depressive mind can be very tough to fight off.
But at least try to fight with it. Day by day. Bit by bit.
And when you thought you've reached a dead junction,
who knows a whole new route, wide & clean, may be ahead of you?


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