Hey Zengarmy,

Sorry for the lack of updates. I have been lacking of inspiration to blog lately.
I guess I should've read more books. Or watch more movies. Hahahahaha.
I once read a magazine article that said every dream has a hidden meaning.
Like if you dreamed that you're falling off from a flight of stairs,
it means that you're feeling really insecure & anxious & lost,
and if you dreamed that you're running up a hill but you never get to the top,
it means that you're stuck in some area of your life.

Sometimes I hate dreams. Especially those dreams that ends abruptly.
I hate the way you can forget all about the things and people that have hurt you,
but then a dream brings them flooding back.

Today's blog post will be a bit more personal than usual,
but I'm sure that you guys won't mind, aren't you?
I created this space with an intention to share my stories online,
and for a while I tried so hard to upgrade it to something even bigger,
I do reviews on movies, books, and even phone apps,
that I forgot the simple reason to start this blog :

If you didn't know yet, I'm back at my hometown this week.
Once I finished my A-Level, I didn't feel the urge to go home.
Okay, I know I'm weird, but I can't be the only one who think so.
I just love the life in KL (the city where I study in).
I feel so different - and it's not just about having freedom or being in city.
It's that for the first time in forever I feel as if my life is my own -
that I'm in charge of my own destiny.
I'm no longer just reacting to what everyone else does or says.
I'm finally writing my own script.
However, living in KL definitely isn't all that glamorous though.
The living expenses are high & I can't find a stable job.
Yes I did have a part time job before, but I only earned RM330
and the person never contacted me for a new job anymore.
How I wished I could just make money out of my blog & YouTube channel RIGHT NOW!
But I need more popularity & opportunities before I can make money out of my hobby.
I just feel stressed about making money right now.
I'm fully aware that my dreams can't be fulfilled without money.
Okay. This is so random. Why am I telling you all these?

I needed a break. That's why I came home.
Nothing happens for a week during this period, as predicted.
I don't mean this figuratively, like there is a shortage of significant events.
I mean that NO THING OCCUR. Total stasis.
It's sort of heavenly, to tell you the truth.

The reason I'm writing this blog post is because
a blog reader emailed & asked me a serious question
that I think I ought to share on my blog.
In case you're wondering, I asked for permission ya,
so it's not like I'm revealing people's secret without even asking.
For privacy reason, I'm going to name him Q.

So, Q told me that he is currently still in high school
and he doesn't have many friends, in which he obviously thought that
I don't have many friends either, that's why he emailed and asked me.
Hahahahahahaha, just kidding. I'm full of shit.
He is currently in a fight with his only and best friend
and he asked me if he should continue to befriend a person
who changed a lot & is no longer the one that he used to know.

So, here is my answer, Q.
To quote from 《Girl Online》,
sometimes friendships are a bit like clothes,
and when it starts feeling uncomfortable
it's not because you've done anything wrong.
It just means that you've outgrown that friendship.
Do not try to squeeze yourself into a friendship that hurts you.
Be friends with people who you can make a fool in front of

When I was in primary school,
I was one of the most not-cool person in school.
I guess the main reason is because I'm a boy but I act femininely.
Then people started calling me all sorts of hideous nicknames.
I don't even feel hurt that time, but when I rethink now,
that was straight up a school bully scenario.
I remembered not having too many friends,
and I tried to be as talkative as possible to attract people.
Pathetic me. I know. But when you're not a cool kid, nobody gives a shit about you.
I did make friends eventually, but not many of them lasted too long.
There's a friend of mine whom I remembered the most,
that keeps mocking me in an oblivious way.
She would tell me things like :
"I would lend you this blue color pencil, but you're too feminine for blue,
so I would lend you the pink color pencil instead, hahahahahaha."

Like, forget about it if she just did this once or twice,
but the truth is, she did this very frequently,
because obviously she and her stupid brain thinks it's fun to mock people.
And then one day I decided to just stop talking to her.
At first she was kind of guilty and tried to be nice to me,
but seriously? After all she did to me, that lasted for at least 6 months?
No way. Girl. Get a life. Hahahahaha!
As a result, we drifted apart since then,
and I felt happier than ever.

I've always thought that the idea of soulmates
( the idea of someone out there especially for you )
sounds so cool and romantic, but I could never imagine it happening to me.
Like, I could imagine that, somewhere in the 7 billion people on the earth,
there may be a person who's just right for me,
but knowing my luck, that person would be living in the middle of the Amazon rainforest
or a desert in Ethiopia, and our paths would never cross.

But life is all about unknown & surprises, too.

Well, I'm not telling you that all surprises would end up in a good way,
but I like to think that someday somewhere I'm definitely
going to meet my soulmate & we're going to be friends for life.
Right now, Q, all you really need to do is to open up to the friend that you're in a fight with.
You don't know. Maybe your friend feels the same as you. Or maybe not.
The only way to find out is to tell him what you actually feel.
If he treasures his friendship with you, I'm sure he'll do something.
If not, you can do without a friendship like that.

All the best, Q.
From your online buddy, Z.

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