Hey Zengarmy,

If you guys don't know, I was a depressed kid. I still am, not gonna lie,
but I've somehow managed my way to make peace with it. Somehow.
I assume that you clicked into this blog post because you're having a bad day.
Well, let me tell you : You are not alone, girl! (or boy, whoever reading this.)

I was having a good old chat with my friend Kiar today,
and we basically talked about how much we've changed after
we left our hometown Muar to pursue our further studies in KL.
So, I thought today I would share some of my stories with you guys,
back when I was still living in my hometown about two years ago,
when I was in my darkest days that I thought my world is going to collapse.

I grew up in a single family. But that's not what triggered my depression.
I basically lived the same way as any other kids from complete family,
except that I was way more feminine than the other boys at my age.
I cried a lot when I was a kid, even at the smallest things,
like water splashed on my notebook or pencil broken into half.
And I NEVER used the standing toilet when I was a kid, not even once,
because I was scared of the chance of showing off my male genitalia to the world.
As expected, I was discriminated quite a lot. Nasty jokes were made about me.
Even so, being an indifferent kid, I wasn't traumatized by all that, strangely.

Or at least not UNTIL I was in my secondary school.

I was a changed person in my earlier stage of secondary school.
I kept a low profile. I avoided the drama queens. And I studied hard.
I basically reached a point in my life where I thought my life is going
to be changed, forever. No more nasty jokes. No more discrimination.

But I was wrong. People called me nerd. People called me sissy.
People booed me because I wasn't a sport lover. I felt horrible.
And then in school there were all these kiasu classmates who check on my grades
because all they wanted to do is to beat my grades to prove that they're better.
I started to wonder if my life is going to be a series of dramas that never end.
I can still remember once when one of my relatives patted me hard on my breast
and literally told me to "man up and be more like a man instead of sissy".
Ever since then I made a vow to never stay in my hometown anymore
once I am able to afford my own living expenses and all those adult shit.
I was utterly overwhelmed by the sense of anxiety.
I thought that if I bear through all the awful emotions I would be happy again.
And so I tried. I kept my heart closed. I listened to music every night in my bed.
I wrote emotional Facebook statuses to vent my frustrations. I did it all.
All the things that the emo kids on TV did, that I thought I would never do it.
But I wasn't feeling any better. I felt anxious and panic.
People were asking if I am okay and so I pretended I was happy.
It was a really horrible feeling, you know? Faking smiles in the day time
but crying under my duvet almost every night wishing it would all end.

I wasn't really in the mood of studying and so my grades fell. I felt terrible.
But the lucky thing that happened to me is that I fell in love with writing and drawing.
I wrote a lot. I drew a lot. It was all therapeutic for me. I was able to smile, again.
When I was writing this blog post today (aka now), I felt amazed and proud of myself.
Look at where I am, remember how I started out!

I somehow managed to pass my secondary school finals with straight A's,
which still, till today, amazes me a lot. I secretly believed that God's helping me.
( not trying to be religious here but I think you get the gist of it :P )
And then, fast forward to when I was doing my A-level,
I actually felt relieved because of the fact that I finally left my hometown.
I started this blog. I started my YouTube channel. I felt passionate about life.
Everyday I wake up, I felt lucky because I made it till today.
That's the spirit, people. When you focus on the things you own,
(for me it's my little blog and YouTube channel and my close friends & family)
even if it's the tiniest little thing that doesn't make the fit to be bragged about,

And don't forget that sometimes it's okay to feel down once in a while!
I do admit that sometimes I still feel like I am a complete failure.
Sometimes I feel so ashamed of myself that I literally
wish to dig a hole on the floor so that I can hide myself.
Sometimes I still wake up in the middle of the night from nightmares.
Sometimes I feel so anxious that my hands are shaking involuntarily.
Sometimes I'm still afraid that people would make fun of me.
Sometimes I'm worried that I might be pulled back into my depression.

But look at where I am today. I am alive. Still safe and sound!
I am in a university studying Psychology with the help of government loan!
I may not be the best student anymore but I feel proud of everything I achieved.
And you should feel like that too! :) Find happiness in everything you do!
Be with those people who bring out the best in you because energy is contagious.
Bear in mind that some bitches are literally going to talk shit behind you,
and you can either stop and waste your time to fight with them OR
you can smile, walk away and let them slap themselves in their faces!
I know this is easier said than done, because haters are there and
sometimes it's SO TEMPTING for us to just punch or slap them in their faces.
But trust me, it ain't worth it, neither haters or negativity. They consume you!

To those of you who're still struggling, I feel you.
I was once there, thinking about how my world is collapsing.
My advice to you? Be you. Don't compare yourself with other people.
Haters gonna hate. It's okay to be not okay sometimes.
And believe that you're here for a reason.
You are worth it, more than everything.


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