Hey Zengarmy,

I can imagine the amount of screamings in front of the computer screens now :
Dammmmnnnn Zeng Teck! Back at it again with the dramatic blog post title!
I don't know. Maybe my whole life was just meant to be dramatic. I don't know.
Sometimes I feel like the whole world is a massive stage & I'm just one of the
actors roaming on the stage. Unimportant, unimpressionable, and forgettable.
Do you feel the same way too? Have you ever in your dream imagined yourself
dying as a person who had achieve nothing, & you woke up covered in sweats?

I have a lot of insecurities.

Not too long ago, in one of my previous blog posts, I remembered mentioning
about my unpredicted anxiety attack when I saw my face in a full-HD music video
(which I was a part of) on my friend Kelson's YouTube channel. In that blog post,
I originally wanted to write further about the reasons behind my anxiety attack,
but later gave up because I didn't want to turn that blog post into a full-on essay
that most probably nobody would ever want to read because they don't give a shit.
But since I'm in such a bloggy mood now, I decided to pick up the pieces & mend it.
I feel like I haven't really sat down & wrote a proper blog post in such a long time.
By proper here I mean a rambling blog post that will probably cost me an entire day
to write because I got so many things & emotions going through my mind at full speed
and I had to pick and choose which parts can be published and which parts cannot.

When I was a kid, I absolutely hated it when people took pictures of me.
Not because I'm shy (Well, maybe. On a second thought, I'm not so sure)
but because I used to hate how my face looked in the camera/in mirror.

And I still am, up until today at the age of 19, occassionally
hating my teeth my lips my nose my eyes my skin & my jawline,
whenever I looked into the mirror in the morning. It's a part of me.
Self-hate seemed to be one of the traits that had been embedded
or programmed into my lizard brain ever since I was born. It's a ritual,
or in simpler word - a routine - for me to look myself in my own face
and say : "Oh no why do you look so ugly? Why why why why why why?"

Self-hate doesn't happen everyday in my life but it happens most of the time.
Especially in the world nowadays when all sorts of #lifegoals are constantly
being created on the online world. Have you ever accidentally/intentionally
clicked into a picture of a godlike-holly-molly model on Instagram and goes :

Why didn't I look like that?!
Imagine how great my life would
be if I looked like Cara Delevingne
or David Beckham since I was born?

Yeah, that would be totally me on a daily basis.
Curbing these self-hate thoughts is easier said than done.
You might be looking into the mirror and told yourself that
you're the best looking guy/girl in the entire whole wide world,
& 30 minutes later when you bumped into a super-good-looking
human being, you'd be like "how nice would it be if I'm him/her?".

Having said that, even good-looking human beings sometimes
hate how their faces look in the mirror. Self-hate is pretty much
a universal phenomenon that happens to everyone on the Earth.
Anyway, I find this video extremely inspiring. Do have a watch.

Is there a solution to this? No. But you can do something.
Whenever I find myself intentionally looking up photos of
good-looking celebrities online, I'd fight the urge to do so.
Again, I know this is easier said than done. But do try to do so.
I can fight the urge most of the time because I knew what would
happen if I go on and search those pretty faces. I would feel shitty.

"Because another person is beautiful,
doesn't mean that you're ugly."

Apart from self-hate, I also realized (in my case) that Instagram creates
a lot of unnecessary anxieties that I could have avoided in the first place.
Being an active Instagram user (aka Instagrammer), I post almost daily.
However, as I moved on, I quickly realized that most of the people on
Instagram do things (comments, likes & follows) with ulterior motives.

If you didn't know, the act of commenting on another user's Instagram picture
and expecting a comment from that exact user in return on your own picture is
actually one of the hidden rules on Instagram if you want to grow your account.
The same applies to likes and follows. I used to do that in the past. I liked other
user's picture even if it looks like a shit. I followed back almost everyone who
follows my account, in the hope that they won't unfollow me. But the more I do
it, the more I feel disgusted. So I decided to stop doing that a while back ago.
And guess what? My account stopped growing ever since that. Funny enough,
the reason behind the halt in my account's growth is due to the fact that the
amount of people who unfollowed me is almost the exact same as the amount
of people who followed me. I blogged about that a while ago, so you can click
HERE to read about my Instagram rant if you're interested to know the progress.

I guess the main reason behind my anger towards the unfollowing saga is
because I hated the feeling when somebody doesn't appreciate my effort.
FYI, I did put in lots of effort into my Instagram. Adjusting the lightings,
choosing the perfect angle, correcting the colours, thinking of a good caption,
I didn't do much less than other successful Instagrammers, if I do say so myself.
So it really got me when I realized that some of the people who followed me
are actually bastards who don't really give a shit about the contents that
I've been pushing my ass to create. A lot of my friends said "why care so much",
but they don't understand all the efforts that I've been putting into every single
picture on my Instagram before I hit that "post" button. And people unfollow?!

Speaking of that ......

Here's another teeth-gritting story that adds to the anxiety that Instagram has
been giving me all this while. So, a while back ago, a guy (whom I'll call P)
followed me on Instagram. And I followed him back because he posts good
pictures on his account and I thought I'd get a lot of inspiration by following
his account. AND GUESS WHAT? He unfollowed me after a few months of
PRETENDING-TO-BE-ON-GOOD-TERMS WITH ME. (aka leaving all those sorts
of one-worded, fake, sugary comments like "fantastic!" on my pictures.)
I knew this because I installed an app that tracks unfollowers on Instagram.
And clearly P thinks he's so good in disguise that I didn't notice his "good job".
And so I went to his account to see what's up, only to realize that he copied
exactly the same hashtags that I've been using on my pictures, WORD-BY-WORD
onto every of the pictures that he posted. Woah, so much for originality, dude.

You'll realize how much of a dickhead some people can be.
And it scares the shit out of me. It really does scare me.
Me being overreacting and dramatic? Maybe. I told you
in the first paragraph of this blog post that I'm dramatic.

If you know me in real life, you'll know that I can't stand rudeness.
My radar to rude people is so sensitive that I might just punch
somebody in the face if I can sense them being rude to me.
But of course I wouldn't have the guts to be physical in real life.
So I guess I will just cry on the spot when somebody is being rude.
Due to the fact that I'm not good at fights, both physically & orally,
I tried to shut up in real life as much as I possibly could shut up
in order to avoid face-to-face confrontation with rude people.

I'll hereby end this blog post with a video that I think does perfectly
represent how I feel at this exact moment. Do watch it if you're free!


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