Hey Zengarmy,

I'm not at a very good place right now, mentally.

( Is that even something new? lol. )

Not entirely sure how & what am I going to write for this blog entry,
but hey, I'm just going to wing it along the way & hope for the best.
Blogging is, & has always been my therapy. And I'm grateful for that.

I had an awful realization that all the past friendships I was in, had been faithfully
following a very specific growth curve — I was approached, but was never anybody's
favorite, and everyone I'm friends with have people that they're better friends with.
I can't seem to defeat this curve, & worse still, I'm growing more and more used to it.

I've been around long enough, to know
that the good things don't last forever.

So, I came across this video this afternoon, and it conclusively summarizes almost
90% of the emotions I'm currently going through. This girl basically spoke my mind.

I struggle to maintain a friendship.

And I'm not just saying it to be "oh-look-at-me-i'm-so-relatable".

I really do struggle with maintaining a friendship. Not as bad as
compared to when I was younger (and more depressed), but still.
I was having a conversation with my cousin over the weekend and
she talked about how she thought she might not be able to make
any friends in her soon-to-be college life. "I only have like, two or
three close friends in high school," she said, "I'm really, really bad
at remembering names. I didn't do it on purpose but I just can't."
Oh, what a nostalgia to hear that. She reminded me of me
enjoying being alone, but also hating it at the same time.

It's a fucking self-inflicted conflict.

In the video, Hannah mentioned about something along the lines of
"I'm very easily made to feel left out"and oh boy isn't that a spot-on
story of my life? I am, very easily made to feel left out. I remember
when I was 9 I was chosen to be in the sports team because, believe
it or not, I was quite a fast runner (not sure about now but I enjoy
power-walking very much). I was selected as a "replacement" (lol)
candidate, but as a 9-year-old kid I didn't quite get the meaning of
that — if you didn't know, a replacement candidate is only supposed
to get on the field if the first candidate is absent or unwell — and
poor me, nobody even cared to explain to me. They just assumed
that I knew it, which I didn't. And then the sports day came and I
was all excited and prepared, and the first candidate showed up.
I was told that "you're done for the day", and I cried running back.
Nobody came after me. I felt like nobody wanted me to be there.

And I hated sports ever since that day.

Funny enough, I feel like that traumatic experience grew on me like a
curse. As far as I can remember, I have always been a "replacement"
candidate in all of my relationships — out of sight, out of mind, only
ever approached if they feel convenient. I was questioned numerous
times on "wouldn't it be nice if you could, for once, TRY not to put
yourself in a victim's position?", which I believe is a stereotypical
question coming from people who can't relate to depression, at all.

Of course, you can go ahead tell me:

"You're fine." "You're obsessing over nothing." "Just shut up!"
"You're attention seeking." "Turn it off!" "Just stop thinking about it."
"Just think about cats and rainbows."

But depression is so much deeper in your brain than "cats and rainbows".
I used to think that if I ever got dementia or Alzheimer I'd fight with it,
but how can you fight it when it is the thing you're using to fight with?
How can you fight a battle when your only weapon became the enemy?
I believe "struggling with maintaining friendships" is not an uncommon
hurdle in life, but having depression just made it x10 times annoying.

So, here's my plan.

Remember when I mentioned in some of my previous posts that
depression is like a repeating cycle thing? It turns out to be true.
I've been keeping track on my mood cycle these past few months
(thanks to my journal!) and I've managed to track down a rather
rhythmical cycle, which I thought it might be interesting to include
in this post. A full cycle normally lasts for around 2 months for me.
I usually begin the cycle with a good mood, then overwhelmed by
the buzz in my head that "all the good things will not last", which
made me panicked and eventually lead to a breakdown, followed
by a period of time when I would limit all of my social interaction
by not hanging out with anyone in real life. My goal is to extend the
good mood and shorten the bad mood part. I'm going to act fucking
normal. I can still sing. I am still alive, on this planet, even though I
don't feel like it. I still find things funny, I can still taste food, I can
make jokes, and hang out with friends, even though I literally feel like
I'm hiding something from everyone and I keep looking at everyone as if
I'm a robot. But I'm going to sort this out, somehow. I can't just stop the
world until I feel normal again, because I'll get to my 70's and be like:

"Well, shit. I missed it all."

So, I'm going to do the best I can.
I’m going to create contents that make me happy.
And I'm going to laugh about the fact that I'm a bit mental.
Cause what else can you do? I'm going to fight with the nagging
voice in my brain that "all your friends don't want you to be here"
when I'm hanging out with them. I'm going to tell my brain that:

I'm depressed.
But I can be happy too.


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