Today is a day that I'll NEVER forget in my life.

Before you proceed to think that today is the best day of my life,
let me just gracefully spoil your expectation by saying :
N O ,  H E L L  N O .
Today is one of the "worstest" day of my life !!!
A Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day !!!

Most of the people said that "Math is in Asian's blood",
which kinda makes Asian like, SUPER DUPER smart in Mathematics.
But sadly, I'm NOT. (which sometimes makes me wonder if I'm a pure Asian)
When I was a child, I wasn't smart.
My mom never told me I was smart.
I would see parents telling their kids that on TV,
but that was on TV.

Whenever my mom ran into her friends and their kids at the market,
she'd always say hello, then ask me why I couldn't be smart,
like her friends' kids.

Her friends NEVER EVER looked at their kids and asked them
why they couldn't be smart, like me.

Sometimes they might say :
"No lahhh, your son also very smart at drawing",
which was really the same as just calling me stupid.

"Smart" in Asia was based purely off how well you did in school,
and ten of that came down to how well you could memorize things.
At least that was true when I was growing up.
I wasn't happy at all when I was a child,
that's why I'm slightly reluctant to talk to people about my childhood.
I wasn't proud of my childhood, and sometimes wish it will just vanish into thin air.

When I was in secondary school,
I was really glad that my childhood is finally over,
and I moved on to the next chapter & started to really focus on my life,
which then eventually made me like, one of the top in my school.
I never expect that to happen at all, like ever.

But then, as my "new" glorious life was exploding,
it suddenly went down the hill when I was in Form 4,
like a roller coaster dashing down from climax. 

I wasn't happy AGAIN.
And I don't even know why.
I felt trapped in my life, in a body that lives life like a robot everyday.
I don't like myself & even tried to terminate my life that time,
but thank God I didn't do it because I was guilt-stricken to leave my family.
(I actually wrote about this in my "20 Facts About Me" blog post already)

I believe this incident nurtured my hatred towards Additional Mathematics.
I never really see any attractive sides of Add Math in my life,
and I had always wondered about its existence in the entire human history.

I mean, in my high school I never learn how to :
✔ pay bills
✔ buy a house
✔ apply for college
BUT thank God I can plot a polynomial function graph ?!

Come on, admit it.

After high school's graduation,
I decided to further my studies in A-Level, because
1. I got an entrance scholarship, and
2. I don't have an idea which direction I was heading to.

But then, as I started the program, I started to realize that :
A-Level is pretty much a nightmare dressed like a daydream.
I was kinda regret for not straightaway choosing a foundation program for Psychology,
but this feeling of regret only appeared when I was halfway done with A-Level.
So, I decided to hang on tight as much as possible.

I've been through a lot of downs in my life throughout A-Level,
which made me kinda immune and numb to all the "sensations".
But today, as terrible as the blog title is,

I'm not even kidding.
I don't even feel the pain anymore.
I'm so numb.

When the class almost ends,
my Math teacher, Miss Jeanie gave all of us (her students) a small note.
Miss Jeanie is a super kind and helpful Math teacher,
but that alone didn't help much in eliminating my HATRED towards Maths.
I'm always sorry for letting her down, actually.
She's really trying to help & motivate me,
but I am ... hopelessly hopeless.

I was like, fully expecting her to write something mean like :
"God ONLY helps those who help themselves" or anything close to it,
but surprisingly she DIDN'T.

This is what she wrote.
I'm really glad that she didn't write something mean,
like trying to use “激将法” to motivate me or what.
A mixture of gratitude & shame washed all over me.
I know that something different is going to happen from now onwards,
although I'm not sure to what extend will it be.


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